Little Voices
by Ellie5
Summary: It may perhaps be time for some of the SGC's personal to have a psych evaluation. Them or me, you decide.
1. Janet

Disclaimer: You know the drill, just borrowing.

Pairings. There's quite a few flung in for good measure. You just have to be paying attention.

Season : Five, Rite of Passage mentioned.

Author's notes: and * * indicates thoughts from the two different parts, the rational, sensible bits of us, and the, well not so sensible rational parts of us. I kind of alternated them it WAS completely on purpose and not just because I was writing this over a few months a couldn't be bothered looking back to see what I'd done before. Hey, it wasn't. Ok, the Christmas party two month thing was because I started writing this in February, Just pretend Christmas was two months ago. The first couple aren't all that funny. In fact the first one isn't really funny at all, it's more of a tease, but please just stick with it for a couple of chapters, they aren't that long.

Oh, yeah, FEEDBACK. I live for feedback. Why is that people are so vocal with their opinions when you really want them to shut up and then the times when you actually want to know, there's a resounding silence. Prove me wrong, go on. PLEASE.

-SGC; 08:00-

"Hey, Janet. Are you OK? You don't look so good." Sam asked her petite friend as they walked through the halls of the SGC to their mutual destinations.

"Yeah, I'm fi-"her hand quickly goes up to her mouth as she swallows hard. "I'm fi-" runs to nearby toilet from where vomiting can be heard within a five mile radius. Sam receives strange looks from passing personnel as she waits outside.

Knock on the door.

"Are you Ok in there?" this is responded to by more retching sounds. "Janet?"

The door slowly opens to reveal a pale Doctor. "Hey, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." She says quietly. She begins back down the corridor.

"You don't sound it." Sam says as she follows her friend.

"It's nothing. I guess I just don't agree with commissary breakfasts." She says coyly in the way she always does when something IS wrong. Sam laughs gently.

"You know, it's true what they say, Doctors make the worst patients." Se took the turn off that lead to her lab, leaving her friend knowing full well that when she was ready, she would be told about whatever was wrong with Janet.

Janet watches as her friend goes off down the corridor, glad at her dropping the subject. The last thing she needed right now was Sam on her case. She had enough on her mind. She started back off down the corridor towards her infirmary, to the safety of her office. She mentally cursed herself for being so stupid as to let that happen on base, especially in front of Sam. She vowed never to let it happen again. She had managed to hide it from them for the past couple of weeks, she could do it for the next, and then hopefully, it would pass. If Sam saw it again she might figure it out, 

*she's no dumb ass, she knows what to look for.*

'Maybe I should tell Sam. No, don't be so stupid. I can't just tell her something like this. No, it wouldn't be right for her to know before him.' She automatically responded with the standard good morning as she was greeted upon entering her infirmary. She settled down at her desk and looked at the mountain of paperwork stacked up. 'Ok, paperwork, I can do this. Lt. Simmons annual medical report. Nothing wrong with him except an acute case of puppy love. mental laugh Oh god, what if that's all this is, just puppy love. Just a little fling till he gets back with her, the other half, the ball and chain. He said they weren't married anymore. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about her. I mean he is the mother of his child. another mental laugh Oh god, I guess I am too. I **should** tell him. I should just get up walk out and tell him that as a result of something that took place very quickly and probably meant absolutely nothing to him. He's going to be s father, again. How do I tell him something like that. 

*it's easy, you just say the words, I'm pregnant. It's not rocket science, easy, I'm pregnant, that's it.* 

'Shut up. What do you know about easy? If I tell him, he's going to feel trapped. Men don't deal with that very well, he's a man of honour though, he'll fell that he must do the right thing.' 

*You'll get what you want, you'll get him.* 

'How many times do I have to tell you, SHUT UP. I don't want him like that, I want him to be with me freely, through choice, not through some sense of loyalty, or guilt.' 

*You HAVE to tell him.*

'Shut up, stupid. No I don't, I don't have to do anything I don't want to.' 

*You sound like a kindergartener, who's being the stupid one, you can't just bury your head in the sand and pretend everything's all right.*

'Yes I can.' 

*No you can't.*

'I can do anything I want.' 

*Fine.* 

'What do you mean **fine**.' 

*Just what it sounds like, fine. You know as well as I do that if you don't tell him now. You'll never tell him. Then he'll feel hurt and betrayed when he finds out, and he'll avoid you.* 

'No he won't.' 

*Yes he will.* 

'Shut up, what do you know?'

*As much as you. Actually.* 

'Oh, very witty. Maybe, if I told someone else, they could tell him.' 

*Coward. That's just as bad. You have to tell him yourself.* 

'What abo-' 

*No, a note does not count.* 

'I wasn't thinking of a note.' 

*Yes you were.* 

'No actually, I was thinking of a phonecall.' 

*Oh, they sooo don't count either.* 

'Yes they do.' 

*No, they don't. The only way is face to face.* 

'Yeah, I suppose your right.' 

*Told you so.* 

'Shut up. This is going to be soo weird, we've hardly said two words since, the incident. I knew a 

Christmas party was a bad idea, but noooo, Sam had to go organise it all, Sam had to go to a lot of effort, Sam had to guilt trip me in to coming, Sam had to spike the punch.' 

*Hey I'm beginning to see a pattern here.* 

'Yeah I know, this is all Sam's fault.

*No, you're trying to blame it on Sam. It's nothing to do with her, well maybe a little. NO, you are the one who wore the 'lucky' dress, you're the one who drank all that punch knowing it was spiked, you're the one who practically through yourself at him in an attempt to live out all those dreams you'd been having.* 

'Hey, how do kno-.' 

*Oh thought I didn't know about them, WRONG. All seeing. All knowing, Now listen to me, you have to 

tell him. Today, no in fact right now.* 

'I can't.' 

*No, you just won't.* 

'What if he doesn't want us. Me or it.' She laid a hand protectively across her stomach. 

*Then you'll just have to deal with it.* 

'But what if I can't. I've never had a kid before, I don't know if I can do it on my own.' 

*You won't be on your own, you'll have lots of people to help you. Just go, the more you think about it the less likely you are to do it. Go now. NOW!* 

'Ok Ok, gees, mom.' 

*Hey, you're the only mom around here.* She smiled to herself as she walked out the office. 

'Yeah I guess I am. God, I'm somebody's mother. I just better not turn into my own mother, that would be hellish. Oh god, I'm nearly at his quarters. Oh, man, I hate that feeling in my stomach. Maybe I should do this later, I mean he's probably busy or something.' 

*No, you have to do it.* 

'Ok, Janet, do something, you can't stand at his door forever. Ok knocking is good. Oh well no answer, guess I'll just have to leave it. Oh no, why is the door opening. Man. Ok, Janet you have to say something, don't make yourself look stupider than you feel. Ok, mouth opening this is good.'

"Hey, Teal'c can I talk to you for a minute." 


	2. Teal'c

"Hey, Teal'c can I talk to you for a minute." 

Oh shit, Janet, OK, OK, say something Teal'c go on you can do it, don't show you're nervous. Rock steady.

"Dr. Fraiser, of course." 

OK, gentlemanly move aside, oh no, she's coming in. OK, how bad can it be, I mean we only slept together and have avoided each other for the past two months.

*How bad indeed?*

Shut up

"What can I do for you Dr. Fraiser?"

Dumb question, really stupid question

"Actually, I needed to talk to you about something."

"What would that be?"

oh, great manoeuvre buddy, dumb question, dumber question. You already know what it's about. Hey, hey, hold on, maybe it's not about that. She doesn't look so good, maybe something's wrong.

"Well, technically, that's not true, I…..I need to tell you somethi-"

Ok, well collapsing is not what I was looking for, but it is avoiding a nasty situation so I'll take it. Umm….OK, what should I do?

*Pick her up dumbass*

Hey, who you calling dumbass,

*Shut up, you have to take her to the infirmary*

What, oh right, OK. What are these people looking at? Haven't they ever seen me before?

*You can be so stupid sometimes. Maybe they're staring at you because you have an unconscious doctor cradled in you arms.*

Oh, forgot about that. She's just so light. Uh Oh, Major Carter doesn't look happy.

"Teal'c what the hell are you doing."

"I am taking Dr. Fraiser to the infirmary."

"Why?"

"She passed out in my quarters."

*No, no, no, now she's gonna want to know what she was doing in you're quarters.*

So

*So, what are you going to say? 'Oh, well she just stopped by to chat about that one-night stand we had at Christmas, you know the one that I've been avoiding her ever since.'*

Good point

*Well, it's too late now. Just hope she comes up with something when she wakes up.*

Ok, infirmary, here we go. On the bed, ok. Wait outside, I can do that.

"What was she doing in you're quarters."

*Vague, you are the master of vague, they expect it, go on, be vague.*

"I do not know."

"Well, you must have some idea."

"I do not."

Smooth wouldn't you say?

*I suppose so*

What do you mean I supp- Oh hey, Dr. Warner, OK, be concerned, show concernedness

*You know, that's not a word*

Shut up

"What is Dr. Fraiser's condition Dr. Warner?"

"She's going to be OK. It was just lack of food, general tiredness, a warning that she can't go on treating her body the way she does, you'd think she'd know better being a Dr. and all. Anyway, she's awake now. I'll be back with the test results."

Wow, she looks pale. I hope she's OK, I would hate if anything were to happen to her, I really really like her, really. I wonder if she feels the same. Oh man, I love those big, brown eyes. Yeah, I wanna get me some of that again.

"Hey , Janet, how you feeling?"

"I'm OK, Sam, really."

Why does she always lie like that, it's something all the Tau'ri do. When they're ill, they try to pretend that they're fine when they're obviously not. I'm sick of it.

"You are obviously not well, Dr. Fraiser."

Why is she laughing at me, why do they always do that when I say something?

*Maybe it's cause your so stupid, stupid.*

Shut up

"I'm fine really, Teal'c, I'm just tired. That's all."

Yeah right, whatever.

*Ask her what she wanted to tell you*

No

*Ask her*

No, what if she thinks that night was the biggest mistake of her life. What if she didn't. Either way, I don't want to talk about it right now.

*You have to*

No I don't

*I am not arguing with you, ask her*

FINE

"What was it that you wished to tell me Dr. Fraiser?"

Are you happy now?

"Umm… you know what Teal'c, it's not important."


	3. Sam

"Umm… you know what Teal'c, it's not important."

Not important, coming from Janet that means it is. I wonder if it has something to do with her collapsing, she knows more than she's letting on, she has that little look in her eyes she always does when she's either hiding something or up to something.

*Don't over-react you're imagining it*

No I'm not, look, see, there it is again, that little glint in her eye.

*Oh yeah*

See, I told you so

*Shut up*

Here comes Warner, I don't like him, he's got cold hands. 

"Ugh…… Major Carter, Teal'c, could you wait outside for a minute."

Oh, test results, there is definitely something going on here. Clear the room, that never happens. Dammit, I forgot my report.

*You can't go back in there.*

I have to, Hammond'll kill me if I don't get it to him A.S.A.P.

*It can wait for two seconds.*

No it can't

"We have the results back on you're tests."

"It's ok, you don't have to tell me, I already know."

"Oh good, I hate doing that."

"So do you know how far gone you are?"

"About two months."

"Do you want an ultrasound just now?"

"Might as well."

Hey hang on a minute, 'how far gone', 'ultrasound', oh my god, she's…..she's……she's……

*PREGNANT*

OK, I know nothing, never heard never saw, I know, nothing.

*You have to tell her you know.*

Nope, not gonna happen, she can tell me when she's good and ready.

*OK, fine. Hey you know it takes two to make a baby*

Oh my god, who's the father. Teal'c, oh my god. OH MY GOD!

*What, how do you work that one out?*

Oh, come on, something to tell him, she wouldn't say in front of me, what else could it be.

*Wow *

I know

*Oh real smart move Samantha, knock the table over.*

Shut up

"Sam?"

*Well you'd better say something*

"Hey."

*Oh yeah, great*

I'm not gonna say it again, shut up

"What are you doing?"

*She looks really tired*

"I forgot my report."

Honesty, always the best policy.

*Are you kiddin' me?*

Go away

"I take it you heard."

*How does she do that?*

What

*She always knows what you're thinking, I think there some sort of telepathy going on here.*

Get a grip, it's Janet.

*You never know*

Aaaarghhhh

*Well, if that's the way you're gonna be*

"Yeah sorry."

*Oh, sorry, that's gonna make it all better*

I would kill you if I could

*But you can't so nananananana*

"Dr Warner, could we do this later?"

"Yeah sure."

Ok, I feel a girly chat coming on here.

*Duh*

"So, you gonna tell him?"

"How'd you know who it is?"

*Duh*

"Come on Janet it's not exactly rocket science. You've got something you want to tell Teal'c then you collapse, you won't tell him in front of me and now it turns out your pregnant so logically it has to be Teal'c's baby."

"Teal'c knocked up the doc?"


	4. Jack

"Teal'c knocked up the doc?"

tactful Jack, real tactful.

*What?*

If you don't get it, I'm not explaining it.

*Whatever. Way to go big guy*

Ugh

"Doesn't anyone know how to knock in this place?!"

*Uh Oh, she looks pissed, I got a feelin' my next post-mission aint gonna be pretty*

Well then you should learn to keep your mouth shut

*What do you know?*

Apparently more than you. You better say something

"Ugh, sorry doc, I didn't realise. So umm, how's the big guy takin' the news?"

You're about as diplomatic as a wooden spoon

*What kind of expression is that? Oh, shit, Carter looks pissed now too. Hey she looks really hot when she's pissed.*

Will you get your brain outta your pants, she's your 2IC for cryin' out loud.

*So, doesn't mean I can't look. Just so long as nobody else does.*

She's gonna kill you, see she's movin' in for the kill.

*I should run, really fast.*

Be a man Jack, stand your ground

"Can I talk to you for a minute outside sir?"

"No."

What do you mean, no?

*Hey, you said 'stand your ground'.*

Yeah, but I didn't mean, be stupid. You know she can whoop your ass.

*Yeah…..what I wouldn't give for a good ass whoopin' from Carter.*

Eugh

"What are you smiling at, sir?"

*Hey, how'd I get out here?*

While you were stuck in your sick little fantasy, she dragged you into the corridor.

*Isn't that like insubordination?*

Shut up and say something out loud.

"What?"

*Oops.*

"I mean nothing. I'm not smiling, my face just looks like that."

Like she's actually gonna buy that.

"Right. Sir, you can't tell anyone what you just heard."

*Why not?*

Out loud stupid.

"Why not?"

"She hasn't had a chance to tell Teal'c yet, she was just going to and then she fainted and then I met them as they were coming down to the infirmary……"

*I've never known Carter to babble before.*

Maybe that's because you don't listen to her.

*I do.*

No you don't, your doing right now, she talking and you have no idea what she just said.

*Yeah I do.*

Ok, so what?.

*Ok, so maybe I don't.*

Say something.

*What, why?*

She's stopped talking.

"Ok."

"Jack, did you hear a word of what I just said?"

See

*Shut up, I can handle this.*

"Yeah, course I did. I can't tell anyway hat Teal'c knocked up the doc because-"

"Janet's pregnant with Teal'c's baby?"


	5. Daniel

"Janet's pregnant with Teal'c's baby?"

*Oops, did I say that out loud?*

"Aaaaaaaaaaargh. There are doors for a reason."

A little too loudly perhaps.

*Janet sounds pissed. That was Janet right?*

Oh, I'd say so.

"Nice goin' Dannyboy. Now she's gonna kill us all."

*Ok, so what'd I miss. Teal'c and Janet?*

I bet you feel really stupid for that hand holding stunt now.

*No, I was helping a friend.*

Yeah right, if you need **anything**, that was such a come on.

*It was not.*

You just keep telling yourself that. Find out details.

*Eugh*

Not specific.

"What, when, does Teal'c know."

"NO, and if everyone would stop eavesdropping I might get a chance to tell him before the whole base finds out!"

*Jeez, she looks like she's about to keel over.*

Nice, Daniel, nice.

*I'm just concerned.*

Right.

"Janet, are you sure you should be out of bed?"

*See, Sam sees it too.*

Uhuh.

"Yeah, you don't look too good doc."

*Oh, Jack, finally someone smoother than me.*

"Jack!"

"What? I'm just saying what everyone's thinking."

Wow, there is someone with less tact than you.

*Is it me or is she swaying.*

It's you.

*No she's definitely swaying.*

Oh yeah.

*Hmm.*

Well, don't you think you should maybe catch her.

*What, no Sam or Jack will do it.*

That's nice of you, how many times do you owe this women your life.

*Yeah, I guess your right.*

See look at that, ouch, that had to hurt. Did you see the way she hit her head.

*Maybe I should have caught her.*

Ya think?

"Daniel!"

*Sam looks pissed again.*

Defend yourself.

"I thought one of you was gonna catch her."

Oh, that was strong, have you considered going into law.

*You know you've been around Jack too much.*

Don't just stand there, help them move her back to the bed.

*Yeah, ok.*

Try to be helpful.

*I've got an idea.*

Oh, here we go.

*One of us should go get Teal'c.*

Actually. That's not bad.

*Thank you.*

Try saying it out loud.

"One of us should go get Teal'c."

"I think we should wait till she wakes up."

*Sam always has to have the last word.*

Well, she is her best friend.

*So I'm her friend to.*

If that sure stand up for yourself.

"Why?"

*Ok, then I did.*

"Because, telling someone you're pregnant with their baby is a pretty big deal. I think Janet's gonna want to tell Teal'c herself."

"Dr. Fraiser's pregnant with Teal'c's baby!" 


	6. Chevron Guy

"Dr Fraiser's pregnant with Teal'c's baby!"

Oh real smart move Walter, they're gonna appreciate that.

"Sgt. What the hell are you doing hear?"

*Uh oh, I feel a demotion coming, a certain Col. does not look amused.*

Say you're sorry idiot.

"Sorry sir. General Hammond asked me to find you, he wants you all in the briefing room, right now."

"Now is not a good time, Sgt. Tell him we'll be up later."

*Oh, thank you major, leave me to face the wrath of Hammond.*

Shut up and stop moaning.

"Yes, sir."

*I can't believe that, Fraiser and Teal'c, man Simmon's is gonna make a killing on the betting pools, there 

were like hundred to one odds on that.*

"Was there something else Sgt?"

You're still standing here idiot. Say something.

*I'm gonna ask.*

"Did, I hear right sir, is Dr. Fraiser having Teal'c's baby?"

Anything but that.

"Yes, Sgt. Dr. Fraiser is having Teal'c's baby. OK?"

"WHAT!" 


	7. Hammond

"WHAT!"

Calm down George. It's not like it's a court martialable offence.

*You know martialable's not a real word, I wish you'd stop making me say that.*

It is to a real word. Oh look at that, you've a Colonel, a Major, a Sergeant and an Archaeologist decidedly anxious looking..

*We can get rid of the technician for starters, I wanna make SG-1 squirm for a while.*

"Dismissed Sgt."

"Yes, sir."

Evil Laugh *I have the power!*

Grow up George.

*Shut up. Respect my authoritaaaaa.*

Yeah well you certainly, look like that big fat cartoon, except he has hair.

*I am still in my prime.*

Right.

"Umm, sir, this isn't what it sounds like."

*Oh the big brave colonel stepping up to defend the unconscious little doctor. Make him squirm George.*

"Oh, then exactly what is going on here colonel."

That's just mean.

"Umm, well sir, I think Carter could best explain."

*Oh, nasty trick, pass the buck to the 2IC, I like it. I'll remember that one.*

I think he'll be punished enough, do you see that look?

"Ugh, well sir, we don't exactly know what's going on. All we do know is the Janet's having Teal'c's baby, but she keeps passing out. Oh and Teal'c doesn't know yet."

*Mmmhmmm. Interesting. Jackson's being quiet.* 

George don't, you know the boy's had a crush on her for ages, who didn't, those puppy dog eyes across the briefing room table. Don't!

"Dr. Jackson, do you have anything to contribute?"

I said don't.

"Ugh, no sir."

*Hehehe.*

You are just mean.

"Well is anyone going to tell Teal'c?"

See there's a sensible refined, tactful question, well done.

"No, sir. Like I was saying to the Colonel before, I don't think anyone should tell Teal'c that Janet's having his baby but Janet."

"Mom's having Teal'c's baby!"


	8. Cassie

"Mom's having Teal'c's baby!"

Oh, nicely done Cass, look at that, you woke her up.

"General?, Cassie! What the hell are you doing here?"

*Uh oh. I hate that look.*

Try and calm her down then.

"Dr Warner called me, he said you were sick."

*Although he was kind of lying.*

"Oh, did he now?"

*Doc Warner's in for a serious ass whooping.*

Ask her about the baby.

"Are you really having Teal'c's baby?"

Ok, not quite as subtle as I meant.

*Shit, she's really pissed now.*

"Does anyone in this entire base NOT know by now."

"Uh, I believe Teal'c is still in the dark."

*Oh, nice move Jack. You are so dead for that one.*

"Oh, well why doesn't one of you just announce it over the PA. It'd certainly save you having to tell everyone."

*Oh, the sarcasm's being used, we are all gonna die.*

Oh, come on, it's your mom. She wouldn't hurt a fly.

*Right, remember that time when she pulled the gun on Nirrti.*

Yeah, but that was different, that was cool.

*Ok, then that time after the foothold situation here, when she saw that tape of Jack hitting her and then 

taking her shirt off.*

Oh, yeah, they had to cancel his next mission because he still couldn't walk.

"Uh, dannyboy, I think she was kidding."

*Stupid.*

"I knew that, I just figured we should get Teal'c down here before the whole base does find out."

See, he's not so stupid.

"Oh, and how would they find out Daniel?"

*There's the sarcasm again.*

"Ugh,, because Sgt. Davis accidentally, um, overheard about your….condition."

"Oh, great, the base's gossip monger knows, that's just fantastic. Well, go on, call Teal'c."

*You know it really scares me when she's sarcastic, usually cause I get grounded after she's done.*

Yeah, you know, I think she uses that as some sort of mechanism to vent her anger.

*Shut up, will you listen to yourself. All I need to know is that sarcastic mom = pissed mom.*

I guess so.

*Oh, here's the big guy himself.*

Are you gonna call him dad?

*Hell no.*

Well you know he's probably gonna move in with you guys now.

*Are you kidding me? My mom will never let a guy stay with us. She is forever moaning about her ex.*

True.

*I'm always right*

Uhuh. Look, everyone's clearing the room. Go with them.

*We're too far away to hear what's going on, I'm just gonna lean a little bit closer.*

You know that's probably illegal in some states.

*Probably.*

"Teal'c, I'm pregnant."

*Wow, you know, I never had the big guy down as a fainter.*


	9. Janet

"Teal'c, I'm pregnant."

*See, there that wasn't too hard. Look he's happy. Wait, why are his eyes crossing?*

Oh, you have got to be freakin' kidding me!

*Fainting is a perfectly natural response to a shock.*

Oh, come on. Look at the guy. He's a big huge tough guy, he shouldn't faint. It can't be that much of a shock, I mean come, he was there.

*Yeah, so why did you nearly keel over when you found out?*

Key word in there, NEARLY. Anyway, should I try to pick him up or something.

Mental Laugh. *That's funny, you pick him up.* More mental laughing. *oh, that's a good one.*

Shut up, I could.

*Yeah right, call for help.*

I knew that.

"Sam."

Why is she laughing. It's not funny.

*It really is when you think about it.*

No it's not, look Jack and Daniel are laughing too, so is Hammond and Cassie.

*No they're not, you're imagining things.*

No, look there trying to pretend they're not. But they are.

*Whatever. See look, it took three of them to get Teal'c on the bed, you really think you could have done that yourself.*

I am stronger than I look.

*You are delusional.*

Look, he's waking up.

*Wouldn't you if you had that shit shoved under your nose?*

You have to sort this out with him

*Why do you have to be so serious. We can sort it out later, we got a whole seven months to sort stuff out.*

You know I'm right, and besides this might be the only time we get both of you conscious at the same time.

*Hey you know I've got an excuse.*

Uhuh, that being?

*I'm pregnant.*

You're not that pregnant.

*Shut up. Hey why are they leaving, where are they going?*

You know you just missed like an entire conversation.

*I did?*

Uhuh. You did it again, Teal'c just said something.

"What?"

"Dr Fraiser, will you marry me?"


	10. Teal'c

"Dr. Fraiser, will you marry me?"

Hey, why is she laughing at me?

"Is there something humorous about my proposal?"

Look at that, she's on the floor rolling around with laughter.

*See look what you've done stupid, she thinks you're an idiot.*

"Oh, god, oh, I'm sorry Teal'c, that's ugh, that's…" Another bout of uncontrollable laughter. "That's very noble of you."

Noble, ok, there's a no coming.

"Then why are you laughing?"

"Do you even KNOW my first name?"

Shit, shit I do know this one.

*You screwed her and you don't even know her first name?*

No, no I do, Major Carter sometimes calls her by it, oh shit I can't remember, it begins with a J.

*Janine?*

No, ugh, Jamie?

*Is that not a guys name?*

No there was a girl on Jerry Springer yesterday called Jamie. Oh, I know this ugh….Janet, that's it Janet.

*That's good buddy, now try it so she can hear you.*

"Janet."

Hah, she looks surprised, she didn't think I knew it.

*You didn't.*

Shut up.

*Maybe if you ask me nicely.*

Shut up, kree.

*That's not funny.*

Yeah it is.

*Ask her for an answer.*

"What is your response?"

Look, she's trying to stop her self laughing again.

"That's very sweet of you Teal'c but I don't think marriage is the answer."

Sweet?

*Ok, so ask her what she in all her wisdom thinks we should do.*

"Then what do you believe is the solution?"

What, I am I a comedian all of a sudden, she laughing at me again. I don't mind that much though, she's really hot when she smiles.

*You know, there is something really serious going on here and all you can think about is how hot she looks. That women is the mother of your child, a child you at the moment don't seem too concerned with.*

Hey, I'm concerned. I was gonna say that Dr Frai- Janet's dead hot and so if the kid takes after it's mom it'll be good looking.

*Yeah right buddy.*

"Teal'c I don't think there is a SOLUTION to this, and if there is it's definitely NOT marriage. Maybe would could try a couple of dates?"

*Speak of tradition on Chulak.*

They get bored when I do that.

*Do it.*

"On Chulak, when a women is with child, it is customary for the father to choose to wed her or kill her."

See, she's gonna think I'm weird now.

*She already does.*

"Well, then I guess it's lucky for me that we're not on Chulak."

"Indeed."

You know I'm thinking I should change that to the earth term.

*What?*

Yeah, there's another way of saying indeed and I agree here.

*Really?*

Yeah, I'm gonna try it next time somebody says something like that.

*Ok, buddy, you do that.*

"Hey, so kids, how's it going in here?"

I wonder what they'd do if I started talking like O'Neill

"I think we've got it sorted out for now Colonel."

Hey, look at that, she's talking for me, we haven't sorted anything out.

*Yeah, but if you admit to that you'll look stupid, just agree.*

"Word." 


	11. Jack

"Word."

*Where the hell did he pick up an expression like that?*

I have no idea but Sam looks like she about to lose her lunch the way she's laughing and Janet could probably laugh that baby out just now.

*Teal'c looks kinda confused, I don't think he knows what he's done.*

Say something.

"So, Teal'c buddy, gonna be a dad again huh?"

What the hell was that.

*You told me to say something.*

Ugh.

"Indeed, Colonel O'Neill, did I say something humorous?"

*Yeah sure ya betcha.*

"Ugh, no, I don't think so, I think Janet was doing some experiment with laughing gas in Sam's lab and they got exposed to some of it. It's nothing to serious."

He's never going to buy that.

*Just wait.*

"Will this laughing gas adversely affect my child?"

*Hook, line and sinker.*

"No, buddy, you don't need to worry about that. It's harmless."

*Carter's still laughing, man I want me some of that action.*

JACK, will you stay focused for two seconds on something other than your 2IC and or her ass.

*I can stay focused………….I wonder where that mole of hers is anyway.*

Give it up, it's been what, 4 years since you found out it existed, I don't think your ever gonna know.

*Hey, I can still guess.*

There's no point.

*Ok, fine you know what, if I don't find out by the end of today I'll give up, Ok?*

Ok, you'll never find out in a day. You know you really should have done this during one of those time loops.

*Dammit, I knew there was something I forgot to do.*

"Carter can I talk to you outside for a minute?" 


	12. Sam

"Carter, can I talk to you outside for a minute?"

oh, my favourite Colonel wants to see me outside for a minute, mmm, wonder what this is about?

"Yes, sir."

"I need you to help me with something."

Ooooh, I'm intrigued now.

*You know you shouldn't even think big words around him.*

He's not stupid, he just pretends.

*Why would he do that?*

Because he's Jack.

*And that explains it?*

Yes. Where is he taking me. Is he checking me out?

*In your dreams girl.*

Yeah it is actually.

*Eugh.*

Ok, elevator, floor 24, where the hell are we going?

*You're asking me? Try asking him.*

"Sir, where are we going?"

"You'll see."

Oh, he is so up to something.

*What.*

Look, right there, that look in his eyes, and that little hint of a smile. He is soooooooo up to something.

*No he's not you just wish he was.*

I do not.

*Do to.*

I am so not getting in to this right now.

"Carter."

What. It's a store cupboard.

"Sir?"

"In here."

Oooook, see I told you he was up to something.

*OK, I see the look now, he IS checkin you out.*

"Sir what are we doing in here?"

"I need you to help me find something."

What they hell could be in here that he wa- he's kissing me oh my god what do I do?

*Slap him, then report him, it breaks regulations.*

Oh, I really mean it this time, shut up. I'm kissing him back.

-A short while later-

"Ah, there it is."


	13. SF

"Ah, there it is."

What the hell is that?

*Just ignore it, nothing ever happens on this level.*

Yeah it does.

*Name one thing?*

Ugh…shut up, I'm going in.

*Fine then.*

Ok, open the door, come on, lets go.

"Oh my god."

*Oops, out loud.*

"AIRMAN! What the hell are you doing?" 

Shit, that is one pissed off colonel.

*Yeah well, you did interrupt him and the major.*

I feel a demotion coming on.

*Uh huh.*

"Airman get out here right now."

He's gonna shoot me.

*No he's not.*

"You can't tell ANYONE about what you just saw."

Is he gonna bribe me.

*There's a n opportunity for profit here.*

That's wrong.

*So?*

So, I'm not gonna be bought out.

"Here."

Ok, maybe I will.

*What, for a hundred bucks?*

Hey, do you know how much I get paid?

*The same as all the other little people who stand in the shade of SG-1.*

What is that supposed to mean?

*Nothing.*

Whatever.

"Yes sir. I'll…ugh…leave you too it."

"Colonel, what the hell is going on here……….MAJOR?" 


	14. Hammond

"Colonel, what the hell is going on here……..MAJOR?"

OK, this is a court martialable offence. I'm gonna whoop their asses.

*Come on George, calm down, it's not like it's a shock.*

What?

*Oh come on they've been even more obvious than Jackson is with Fraiser. They want to be more like Fraiser and Teal'c, that was way outta left field.*

That's beside the point, two of my best officers were getting jiggy in a closet and then they tried to bribe an SF to let it go.

*Is that what you really saw George?*

"Ugh, sir, the Major and I were checking supplies in this here store cupboard when it…ugh…the door closed on us. We got locked in until this fine young Airman here came along….I was just giving him a…..little extra reward for his diligence."

*See, perfectly reasonable explanation.*

That is the biggest pile of bull I have ever heard.

*But you gotta give him credit for coming up with it.*

No I don't, but, if he can talk his way out of this one I'll let it go.

"And, what exactly happened to your uniforms, Colonel?"

*You are really mean.*

I know.

"Well sir, it was…ugh…it was dark and I……tripped and as I fell I ugh….reached out and I just happened to come across Carter's Tee and well you know instinct and stuff I just pulled it and that's how it got that rip right there."

"Uhuh."

*Give the boy credit George.*

I swear to got somebody in his family must have kissed the stone and passed it down to him.

*Let it go George, you said you would.*

Fine.

"Colonel, Major, in future be careful where you 'check your store cupboards', understood?"


	15. Sam

"Colonel, Major, in future be careful where you 'check your store cupboards', understood?"

"Yes sir."

Say something.

"Understood sir."

*Good, now get the hell away from Jack before you do something illegal.*

I can control myself.

*Uhuh so why are you're eyes glued to his ass.*

It's the focal point of this room.

*Yeah right.*

It is.

*Go, get out of here right now, go and see Janet.*

Why.

*Cause she's your best friend remember, and despite the fact that she's a doctor, is always lecturing you, and should in general know better, she's managed to get herself…..in trouble.*

You sound like an eighty year old. (In shaky old lady voice.)'oh the poor dear's got herself in trouble, and she's not married, we'll have to send her off to a convent.

*Just because I'm responsible and mature and you're……not. Doesn't mean to say I'm old.*

Shut up, I'm at Janet's office now. I'm going in.

*Hold it, hold it.*

What now?

*Listen.*

What?

*Shut up and listen.*

Oh my god, is that what I think it is?

*I would say so.*

Remind me never to touch anything in that office again.

*Oh, don't worry.*

So, what now?

*Daniel.*

Shit, I forgot about him, he'll be distraught about this. He's not exactly been subtle about his feelings for Janet. Although it would probably take a sledge hammer before someone gets it through Janet's head that he likes her.

*She must be the only person on the base who doesn't know.*

Ok, Daniel's office.

*Oh my god, what's he doing?*

"Daniel noooooooooo."


	16. Daniel

"Daniel noooooooooo."

What, what the hell is she doing here?

"Daniel what the hell are you doing with that knife?"

What does it look like I'm doing stupid, I'm cutting a large gash in my hand so that Janet will notice me and not the big bald guy.

*I think she thinks you were trying to kill yourself.*

Oh, I can see how it might look like that.

"Not trying to kill myself if that what you're thinking."

"Good, come on, let's go to the infirmary, get that hand seen to."

Yay, infirmary means Janet. My sweet, sweet Janet.

*You are one sick puppy, and don't you mean Teal'c's Janet?*

No, she will be mine.

*Whatever buddy.*

I have a plan.

"So, Daniel, what were you trying to do?"

*Think fast buddy.*

"I was, just ugh….checking if the knife needed sharpened, apparently not."

"Uhuh."

*She is so not buying that.*

It doesn't matter.

*Ok then*

Yay we're at the infirmary.

*You need professional help.*

Do not.

*Do to.*

Do not.

*I'm not getting into this with you right now.*

Hey, where's Sam going?

*To get Janet dumb ass, there is a large gaping wound in your hand.*

Oh yeah. Here she comes, oh look her hair's down, she looks really hot like that, wonder what made her where it like that?

*I can imagine.*

She wouldn't.

*I hate to break it to you pal, but she already has.*

At the Christmas party though. You saw the state of her then, she was trashed.

*So?*

So you she wasn't in full control of herself.

*Really buddy, you need professional help.*

Do not.

*Stop it.*

She's finished with the stitches. Now's my chance.

*For what?*

"Janet would you like to got to dinner sometime?"

*Oh boy.*

"Ugh, Daniel, you know….I'm flattered and everything but Teal'c and I have kind of got this whole parent gig going on right now."

*Parent gig?*

See she's just doing this whole Teal'c thing for the baby.

*No, she's just doing Teal'c.*

I'm not listening to you. Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.

"Daniel are you OK?"

No I am not ok. I have had enough, I love Janet, she loves me, we're going to live happily ever after.

*Seriously get help.*

Shut up.

"Aaagh, Daniel what the hell are you doing?"

This isn't a threat folks but I'm going to stop if I don't get more reviews cause if you don't review then as far as I know nobody's reading it.


	17. Janet

"Aaagh, Daniel what the hell are you doing?"

*I'd say it's pretty obvious, he's slinging you over his shoulder and carrying you out of the infirmary.*

I knew that, I meant, WHY is he doing that?

*That's not what you said.*

But it's what I meant.

*If I didn't know that then he's not going to.*

Shut it.

"Daniel, put me down."

*oh, very imaginative.*

Will you stop bitching and do something constructive.

*Ok, you want him to put you down, kick him in the nuts.*

Actually, that not a bad idea.

"Daniel put me down right now."

I asked him nicely.

*Oh my god, he didn't even flinch, what did you give him?*

ME? Why is it always my fault?

*Because it just is OK.*

No it's not ok. I don't have time for this just now. Where the hell are all the SF's when you need them. Oh, great we made it to the lift.

"Daniel, what the hell are you doing put me down."

Is he singing?

"Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married."

Ok, I'm getting scared now.

*I should think so. Maybe it wasn't all Machello's little buggers that made him nuts. I mean there must have been something there to start of with.*

Shut up they made me and the Colonel go nuts as well. That was sooo, embarrassing. Thank god Sam stopped me before I did something worse.

*Ok, reality check, you're at Daniel's car.*

Oh no, no, come on, not the trunk, oh come on, I mean I'm pregnant for god's sake.

"Daniel, let me outta here."

*He's still singing.*

This is ridiculous, it's supposed to be a top security base yet the resident nut job can sling the CMO over his shoulder and walk out without any resistance, there is something wrong with that.

*You should take comfort from the fact the Teal'c will not be amused when he hears about this, think of the major ass kicking Daniel's gonna get for this.*

Yeah, I feel a bit better now. Although I am starting to remember why and don't like small spaces.

*Could do with a little less of the swerving from Daniel to.*

I know I mean come on, fragile goods.

*We've stopped.*

Ok, that is not Daniel! Maybe he's a Goa'uld or something, what the hell is go- for god's sake Daniel I can walk, your shoulder is not the most comfortable of places to be.

*Is that a church?*

Oh yeah.

*And he's still singing?*

Mmmmhmmm.

*You know what this means right?*

Unfortunately yes, I think I've got a good idea.

*Aren't priests supposed to be good guys?*

Supposed to be.

*Oh, great they're skipping to the vows part.*

Ok, note to self let Daniel down gently. I don't get this, I mean the man has ignored me since I met him, the only time he's ever said more than he had to to me was when Cassie was ill and now the first time in six years when I'm not available he asks me out. Aaaaargh. Men are so dense.

*And you're not at all concerned about this marriage thing?*

Nope.

*Why.*

Cause any minute now Teal'c, Jack and Sam are going to burst through those doors and stop the ceremony.

*Right.*

No, really it's what always happens.

*Uhuh. He's asking you if you do.*

What kinda dumb ass is this guy, does it look like I do, I mean yes this is how I always envisaged my wedding.

*It's marginally better than the last one.*

Oh, so do not even go there with me.

*Uh, he just answered for us, and the priest is taking his answer.*

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

"Hey wait a minu-"

Eugh, I hope he's washed his hand before clamping it over my mouth.

*Oh woohoo, over the shoulder again, So where's lover boy and co?*

They should have been here, it's what always happens.

*Yeah, well, I think this disproves your theory.*

Wait, there they are. About five minutes too late may I add.

*oh the trunk again.* 

Did they just shoot him?

*Relax, it was a zat.*

Good, cause I really can't be bothered fixing him up right now. This being kidnapped stuff is tiring.

*Woos. You know that in seven months you are no longer going to have the excuse of being pregnant?*

Yeah, I know.

*What's the hold up here people, fancy getting me outta the trunk sometime today.*

"Hold up Jan, we need to find the keys."

How many times do I have to tell her do not call me Jan?

*Ok, I would be a little more concerned with the fact that they can't find the keys.*

Hey, what is digging in to me?

*Found them.*

"Sam."

"Yeah?"

"They're in here." 


	18. Teal'c

"They're in here."

Oh, you have got to be kidding me!

*Calm down big guy.*

Calm down, dweeb boy has locked my women in the trunk of a car!

*Your women?*

It's an expression.

*Where?*

Shut up. I'm am going to beat the crap outta him when he wakes up.

*Shouldn't you be more concerned with Janet, it can't be good for her in there.*

I like O'Neill's attitude, we don't got no keys, so we're just going to have to force it open.

"Teal'c give me a hand with this."

Ok, she looks pissed.

*Wouldn't you be?*

"What took you guys so long?"

"Sorry doc, we didn't realize you were gone."

"Oh well thank you Jack, that makes me fell really appreciated."

*This is you're chance buddy swoop in, hug her.*

I'm on it.

*Ok, but bend down slightly first.*

I knew that.

*Show concerndness, remember.*

"Janet, are you all right?" 


	19. Jack

"Janet, are you all right?" 

Janet, did he just call her Janet.?

*Well it is her name.*

Yeah, but I never heard the big guy call anyone by just their first name.

*Well Jack, he did knock her up, I think it's allowed for them to be on a first name basis.*

This is true.

*In a weird way they're kinda cute together, it's like little and large.*

'Cute', you've been spending way too much time with Carter, mmmm Carter.

*How many times do I have to tell you, head outta your pants boy.*

She's so close, I wanna hug too.

*Will you focus, Daniel has just kidnapped Janet, are you not the least bit concerned?*

I suppose, but Carter, hug, mmmm.

*STOP IT. Find out if Janet knows why?*

"So, doc any idea what just happened?"

"Oh, well, Daniel took me for a little trip, he carried me out of the base, I got to go for a little ride in his trunk. We apparently got married. It was fun."

Ouch, that was harsh.

*Wait a minute…..*

"Married?"

"Yes apparently nowadays you don't need a partner who wants to get married, you just tie them to the chair and say I do for them and the priest will go along with it."

I really don't wanna be Dannyboy when he wakes up, Teal'c's working the jaw and Janet looks mighty pissed.

*Come on, he kinda deserves it for this. What was he thinking?*

Marriage, this is actually all really quite funny when you think about it.

*Funny how?*

Ok, maybe it's not.

*Thank you.*

"Sir, he's waking up."

Mmmmm, Carter.

*JACK.*

Sorry, right.

"Danny boy, Danny boy. Wake up."


	20. Daniel

"Danny boy, Danny boy. Wake up."

Ooooooh, tingly

*Yeah ok, try opening the eyes.*

Hey, there's Janet, hey, why is Teal'c hugging her.

*Ugh, maybe cause they're together.*

Shut up, they're not, she's my wife.

*You need to get in a program or something cause this is just not right.*

"Danny?"

*Maybe you should say something.*

"Janet."

*I was thinking more along the lines of Jack, but it's a start a bad one, but.*

"Whoa, easy there Dannyboy."

Gotta get Teal'c off her.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Get off her."

*He's gonna hurt you.*

No he wo-"

"Aaaaaaaaaargh."

Why is she laughing, He's crushing my hand and she's laughing.

*Hmmmmm, could it possibly be what I've been saying all along, she doesn't love you, hell she may not even like you.*

Not true. Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.

*Good god, why did I have to be in your head.*

"Daniel Jackson, would you please refrain from this action."

"Noooooooo, she's mine."

*Oh, bad move, bad move, she is not happy.*

"I'm YOURS. I AM YOURS!"

Agh, Agh, that hurts agh. Yay, she's trying to hug me.

*She's trying to strangle you.*

"Janet, Janet, calm down. Come on."

No Sam, don't pull her away, she's trying to hug me. Look how much she doesn't want to go.

*Oh my god.*

"Janet, leave it."


	21. Sam

"Janet, leave it."

Oh, way to go Daniel, she's really pissed now.

*Like she wasn't before.*

I guess.

"Teal'c get her outta here."

I love it when he barks orders like that. He's so manly.

*Girl will you get a grip.*

What?

*He's so manly.*

Shut up.

"Carter, help me get Daniel in the car."

He is one sick puppy. Agh, that hurt, what is wrong with him.

*Dunno, kinda beginning to wish you hadn't held Janet back though.*

Are you kidding, we wouldn't have been able to recognize him.

*Is that really such a bad thing.*

Come on, there's obviously something wrong with him.

*Like what.*

I dunno, but biting people isn't exactly his style.

*Whatever.*

Hey, when'd I get in the car?

*While we were arguing, we're nearly at the SGC.*

Oh woohoo, cause I don't spend enough time there.

*Daniel's saying something.*

"Are we going to see Janet, are we going to see Janet?"

Oh boy.

"Ugh, yeah, sure."

*Are you sure that's a good idea.*

Ugh no, but at least we might get him there now.  


*I guess. What's his thing with Janet anyway.*

I have no idea but hey, whatever moves your furniture.

*Oh god, it must have something to do with all the computers in the mountain, they must fry all your brains or something.*

What?

*Whatever moves your furniture?*

It's an expression, isn't it?  


*Sigh*

Oh look we're here.

*Whoopee.*

"Are we gonna go see Janet now."

"Yeah danny, we're gonna go see Janet. I think she's in the infirmary."

"Yay."

Oh god.

*I think a little visit to Dr. MacKenzie is in order.*

I hate him.

*I know.*

"Janet's not here. You said she'd be here."

Oh my.

*It's a good job he doesn't have a dummy to spit out.*

oh, looky Jack's takin him down.

"Sam, restraints!"

whoops.

"I'm on it."

oh that's a good angle.

*What?*

For Jack's ass.

*Oh yeah.*

"Sam!"

"What?"

"Restraints."

oops.

"Here."

I don't think he'll be going anywhere soon.

*Janet can sleep easy now.*

Mmmmmhmmm.

"Sam, why'd you take so long?"

"I was checkin out your ass."

Shit, I did not mean to say that out loud.

*Smooth move Carter.*

"Really? You like my ass huh."

*Be careful, you know he'll never let it go.*

"Yeah."

"Come here, you uh, wanna take a closer look?"

Oh yeah.

*Ugh, go somewhere private.*

I know that.

*Ok, Janet's office isn't really what I had in mind but ok, I suppose it's better than nothing.*

Oh my, I could get use to this.

*If you get caught you are gonna be screwed.*

Well then it looks like I'll be screwed either way.

*That is a sick joke.*

hehehehehehehehehehe.

Oh my God.

"Daniel!"


	22. Jack

"Daniel!"

Ok, well this has never happened to me before.

*Shut up stud, she's lookin out the window.*

What? How the hell did he get out of those restraints.

*Ugh well, gee, let me think. You weren't paying attention putting them on, and you never told anyone in 

the infirmary what was going on. One of the nurses must have let him out.*

Shit.

*Shit*

What's he doing.

*I believe it's called locking the door.*

"Oh no you don't."

*Oh yes he does.*

Shit.

"I don't believe this."

"Come on Sam, there are worse things than being stuck in a room with me."

Smooth don't you think.

*Ugh, no.*

"Jack, don't."

Dammit, I am going to kill him when I get outta here.

"Um, maybe we should call the doc, let her know that her dearly beloved is on the lose."

"She's gonna kill us."

"She loves us really."

I love it when she smiles.

*Get a grip.*

Right, phone the doc.

*Good boy.*

'Ring Ring, Ring Ring'


	23. Janet

'Ring Ring, Ring Ring'

Dammit, I hate that.

"Leave it."

"But I could be something impo-"

Hey I was speaking, did I say he could kiss me while I was speaking?

*Like your complaining.*

Yeah, who am I kidding, hell after a dry spell that would leave the desert proud I'll take anything.

*Too much information.*

Oh my, did they teach him that on Chulak?

'Beep Beep.'

Damn piece of crap.

"Ignore it."

"Bu-…………..OK."

Oh my, there goes his T, oh and look at that joining it on the floor.

*Do you need to describe everything?*

Hell, I can't exactly remember what happened at Christmas so I'll be damned if I don't enjoy it this time.

*Ok, but I am not listening so you're talking to yourself.*

I already was.

*Whatever.*

Oh, my that is a mighty big *ahem* staff he has there.

*Oh that is lame.*

I'm sorry I couldn't resist it.

*What's that at the window?*

Oh my god.

"Daniel." 


	24. Teal'c

"Daniel!"

Ok, this has never happened to me before.

*She's looking out the window, stud!*

What?

*I dunno, ask her.*

"What?"

"I just saw Daniel at the window."

"We're on the second floor."

*Oh yeah, say it like you don't believe her, that'll win you points.*

Shut up.

"I am telling you I saw Daniel."

Oh please.

"I'll will go and investigate."

"Good."

God damn, if he is here I am gonna kill him.

*Why*

Cause, I was getting some.

*You are sooo lame*

I told you, shut up. Jeez it's cold out here.

"Daniel Jackson?"

*Oh yeah, that'll work, he wants to be found stalkin' your woman.*

I won't say it again.

*What are you going to do, hurt me?*

Yeah I am……wait. Shut up.

*ha ha.*

"Teal'c!"

God damn him.

*Yeah, cause I never saw that coming.*

Hey, where'd that car come from?

"Teal'c! Like today!"

You know, Drey'ac was never this bossy.

*Yes and while you stand here thinking about that, a car is speeding off containing a psycho, and your pregnant girlfriend.*

"Shit."


	25. Jack

"Shit."

Ok, so this can't be good.

"Teal'c buddy, what's up?"

"Daniel Jackson has just kidnapped Janet."

Again?

*Oh yeah, say that to him, I'm sure he'll love to here that.*

Will you shut up!

"How?"

  
*Like it matters*

It might be important.

"Janet saw him in the bedroom window."

On the second floor?

*He wasn't done yet.*

"I came out here to investigate and he must have snatched her."

This really isn't good.

*Oh, you're good.*

You know, I really don't appreciate your tone.

*Yeah, well, I really don't appreciate been stuck in your head, so I guess we both just have to deal.*

"Shouldn't we go after them?"

See, that's what I love about my Sammy, she's so smart.

*Yeah, that and her ass.*

Ugh, what Sam and I have is more than physical.

*Uhuh.*

It is!

*Yeah, I believe you.*

I am not even going to argue about this.

*That's cause you know I'm right.*

Not.

*Yeah I am.*

Ah.

*But-*

Ah

*I-*

AH

*loser.*

"Jack. Say something."

Whoops.

*Again, I say loser.*

"Yeah, lets go after them."


	26. Sam

"Yeah, lets go after them."

*Oh, Jack, he's so smart.*

Shut up. He is.

*Yeah right.*

Yeah well whatever. He has a cute ass, so it doesn't matter.

*Oh, but I thought you liked him for his intellect?*

Well, if that's what you want to call it?

*See.*

Shut it.

*You know, Jack really isn't your main concern right now.*

Yeah…….what is it again?

*Janet.*

Oh, yeah, what, my mind just slipped.

*Yeah, right into Jack's underwear.*

Uh.

*Pay attention Sammy dear.*

What. Hey where'd they go?

*Try the car dear.*

I know.

*Sure you do.*

Shush.

"Carter, get in."

Don't rush me.

*You know, they're not waiting.*

I'm in already.

*I don't think they care.*

Could we be going any faster?

*Dumb question little miss Physics genius.*

I really hate you.

*Oh it is sooooooo mutual.*

Hey, that's my car.

*Huh?*

Daniel's stole my car.

*hahahaha.*

"Hey, careful with my baby."

Ooops, that was out loud?

"I never knew you felt that way about the doc, Carter."

I hate him sometimes.

*Yeah an all he has to do is give you a glimpse of his ass and your putty in his hands.*

I am putty in no ones hands.

*Keep on dreaming.*

"Jack, do you think I'm putty in your hands?"


	27. Jack

"Jack, do you think I'm putty in your hands?"

What?

"O'Neill, keep the car moving."

Ooops.

*Way to go genius.*

Well, sorry but that was a bit of a surprise.

*I guess, perhaps, say something to her.*

"Ummm…….no."

*Good call.*

Thank you.

"Aww."

What's she doing? That hurts.

*Concentrate on the road.*

Kinda hard with Sam strangling me.

"Teal'c, some help please?"

Ok, I meant with Sam, not the driving.

*Try stopping the car, before some nice lamp post does it for you.*

"Major Carter, please refrain from strangling Colonel O'Neill."

Yeah, that's working T.

"Enough. Sort this out between yourselves later. Daniel Jackson is speeding off with MY women in the back of your car! Move this car right NOW!"

Jesus! Where in God's name did THAT come from.

*He has a point with the whole thing, I mean if that was Sam and she was pregnant.*

Sam's pregnant?

*I said IF.*

"O'Neill will you start the friekin' car!!!"

Man, this is too creepy.

*Tell me about it. Where did he learn to talk like that?*

It must be the doc's influence. I've certainly never spoke like that around him.

*Oh, of course not.*

Hey.

*Just start the car.*

Right.

*K, maybe speed it up a little.*

Hey look, the cars serving.

*And now it's stopped.*

Well, that was easy.

*It could have something to do with the fact that she's strangling him.*

You know, it's frightening how alike her and Sam are.

*You're tellin me.*

Hey where they going?

*Hmm, perhaps to stop her killing Daniel.*

Right.

"Hey Janet, will you watch the leather, that's a bitch to get repaired."


	28. Daniel

"Hey Janet, will you watch the leather, that's a bitch to get repaired."

Leather. Leather? My obviously delusional love is trying to kill me, and Sam's worried about leather? We have to get Janet to a hospital. She's obviously ill.

*Yeah, she's the ill one.*

Yes she is, she's ill, that's why she's confused. She loves me, not Teal'c.

*Uhuh*

Thank you Jack.

*You know, I don't think he's doing it for you.*

I choose to ignore that. Grrr, there's Teal'c, I hate him.

"Danny boy, calm down, calm down."

Calm down, he's brainwashed Janet, he's used some Apophisy brainwashy thing on her.

*Will you stop deluding yourself?*

I'm not deluding myself, she loves me.

*Yeah.*

Hey, where are they taking me. Jack put me down!

*You know, he can't hear you?*

"Put me down!"

"Daniel, it's for your own good."

Own good my ass! They don't understand.

*No I think they do, and it is for your own good.*

How.

*Well, I really don't think they would be able to hold Janet back for much longer, and if you stayed there much longer, Teal'c would crush you like a little teeny bug.*

You're proving my point, they can't hold Janet back from me because she loves me.

*Oh, I give up. Have a nice time in the loony bin.*

Oh, and where are you gonna go?

*Ok, now it's my turn to say shut up.*

See, haha. Hey, why are they putting me in the car? Hey watch the head.

*I don't think they care.*

I thought you'd given up.

*I had, but now I've changed my mind. I'm going to stay, and taunt you. Mwahahahahahaha.*

I hate you.

*I know. I hate you too.*

Hey where are they taking me?

*50 bucks says back to the loony bin.*

Shut it.

"Jack, where are we going?"

"Just for a little ride Danny, don't worry bout a thing."

*Little ride my ass.*

Jack wouldn't lie to me.

*You really are delusional.*

Shut up, I have sooooo had enough of you.

*Oh look, we're pulling up outside the Academy hospital. There's a phrase springing to mind, what is it………oh yeah. I told you so!*

Ugh, Jack just wants to make sure I'm fine after Janet tried to strangle me.

*Again I say, uhuh.*

It's not true. Jack's my friend.

*Oh look at that, would that be Doctor McKenzie with some heavies and a straight jacket.*

It's for someone coming in behind us.

*I feel an uhuh coming on again.*

No, it's not true, Janet wouldn't let them do that to me.

*Why not?*

Cause she loves, and she's the ill one, she just confused.

*Yeah, you know you really so need help.*

No I don't. Hey, they're putting a straight Jacket on me.

*hehe.*

Hey look, there's Sam, Teal'c and Janet! See, she's come to save me.

"Janet, Janet! Nooooooo, don't let them do this to me! Noooo!"


	29. McKenzie

"Janet, Janet! Nooooooo, don't let them do this to me! Noooo!"

Oh, this is going to be sooo much fun.

*You really need a life.*

I have a perfectly good one taunting the mentally afflicted.

*And that makes you pathetic.*

How can you say that with that in front of me. 'No, no pleeease, I love you I need you, save me'.

*I don't recall him saying that.*

Oh, it'll come.

*We'll see.* 

"Ok, Doctor Jackson, Daniel. Let's begin."

"Just call Janet, she'll tell you it's all a mistake."

Uhuh.

"It was her that arranged for this."

"You lie."

Ok, this is worse than she said.

"Why would I do that?"

"Teal'c's got to you."

Huh.

*Can you say. Paranoia.*

"What are you talking about."

"Teal'c, he's evil. He's brainwashing everyone. He's brainwashed Janet, she loves me, not him."

Oooook.

*One sick puppy.*

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, I think you're right.

*I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.*

Don't push it.

"So, who is Teal'c brainwashing?"

"He's got to everyone. Jack and Sam, the general, you, Cassie. He's got EVERYONE! EVERYONE! He's evil, evil I say."

Ok, lets just drug him and fling him in a cell 'til he comes to his senses.

*Very professional of you.*

Thank you.

*I was being sarcastic.*

Why? What else am I supposed to do?

*Hmm, I don't know. Perhaps, your job.*

Don't be ridiculous. I'm not paid to sit around talking to these nut jobs all day.

*Oh no, of course not, no. Being a psychiatrist has absolutely nothing to do with that.*

See, I knew you'd understand.

"Guards. Can we move him to a nice little padded number."

*Tactful.*

I pride myself on it.

*Sigh.*

Uh oh.

*What.*

Well, here would be a psycho stalker obsesses with Dr. Fraiser, and down there would be Dr. Fraiser.

*That would be a problem.*

Oh crap, he's spotted her.

"Janet, my true love. You can still tell them, tell them to let me out. I forgive you. I know it's Teal'c's brainwashing. We can still be together. You're my true love. Janet!"


	30. Janet

"Janet, my true love. You can still tell them, tell them to let me out. I forgive you. I know it's Teal'c's brainwashing. We can still be together. You're my true love. Janet!"

Oh, god, I think I'm gonna be sick.

*That really is one sick, sick man.*

Hey, what is so wrong with liking me.

*Oh, oh, nothing. I didn't mean that. (snigger) No. Ugh, I just meant his whole obvious mental issues deal.*

No you didn't. You meant he was nuts for liking me.

*No I never…..well yeah ok.*

What's so wrong with that. Teal'c likes me too.

*Oh please, get over yourself.*

Oh just shut up. Teal'c does totally dig me, check this.

"Teal'c, hug me."

*huh.*

Hehe, I believe I prove my point here, Teal'c would so not display public affection if he didn't mean it.

"Are you ok?"

See, and he cares.

"Yeah, I'm fine now I'm back with you."

*Oh pass the puke bucket.*

Shut up. I'm just makin sure nut case Jackson aint gonna get near me again.

*How.*

'Cause, my big Jaffa man's not gonna let him.

*And the fact that he's being locked up is going to have nothing to do with it.*

No it does not. I'm bored now anyway.

"Teal'c. Let's go home."

"Do you not wish to stay, I believe Dr. Warner wishes to give you a check-up."

*You know, he's not gonna let you go. He wants to make sure his baby's ok.*

I know he does, but I'm fine.

  
*I didn't mean you.*

Shut up.

*Oh, take your hands of that perfectly formed pectoral muscle. That is so not going to work.*

"But, I want to finish what we were in the middle of doing when we were so rudely interrupted."

*Oh please…that will soooooo never ever work.*

"Yeah baby!"


End file.
